Why is life so hard? Why do the people who you love the most, hurt you the most? Why, no matter how hard I try, can some people not love me unconditionally? Why do I continue to let others dictate my feelings?
I have so many Why's right now. Apart from Derek and the kids, my life is spiraling out of control. 2 weeks ago, Derek and I went to my parents to try and "Fix" all of the issues that have been going on. We both talked in a civil manner and expressed our feelings and what was bothering us and asked them both what could we do to move past it all and just love another. It's now being construed and we are villains. My mother is having a breast removed today and I am not welcome to be there. (I wasn't planning on going anyway, right or wrong, I felt it was best me not being there anyway). Not only have I hurt them, my brother is now upset with me.
I am so beat down right now I don't know which way to turn. If you are reading this, please pray for me. I feel like the whole world is against me when I was only trying to heal our family, and heal myself. #Crushed
Friday, December 6, 2013
Monday, November 11, 2013
Shattered
I am completely shattered in many ways. My faith in people, my trust in people and my love for people have been totally compromised. I have some really tough decisions to make and very soon. As I try to figure out what to do and how to do it, wounds from my past are resurfacing and causing me much pain. I know that I am going to have to forgive or at least try to forget those who have wronged me but it is really hard. How can people treat people so poorly, especially your own flesh and blood???
My Mama has hurt me deeply and in return, she has ruined any chance of a relationship with her only grand-kids. This is very hard for me to understand. My babies will never have the memories with her that I have had with my Grandma and this hurts me for them. How can you not want to be around your only Grand-babies???? When she is around them, she tells them how they are going to Hell because they aren't in church, complains constantly about her health and how the kids never call her. Hello? Why would anyone want to be around that or call and hear that on the phone? My Grandma never complained and never ragged me about anything. When I was 18 and decided to go on birth control (because of the rape I sustained at the age of 17) my Grandma was the one I went to. She was so supportive and even said "I wish they had that stuff when I was your age cause I wouldn't have had your Mama", lol. This is just who my Grandma was. She loved everybody and never judged. She sure didn't pass this on to her daughters, sadly.
My Mama has hurt me deeply and in return, she has ruined any chance of a relationship with her only grand-kids. This is very hard for me to understand. My babies will never have the memories with her that I have had with my Grandma and this hurts me for them. How can you not want to be around your only Grand-babies???? When she is around them, she tells them how they are going to Hell because they aren't in church, complains constantly about her health and how the kids never call her. Hello? Why would anyone want to be around that or call and hear that on the phone? My Grandma never complained and never ragged me about anything. When I was 18 and decided to go on birth control (because of the rape I sustained at the age of 17) my Grandma was the one I went to. She was so supportive and even said "I wish they had that stuff when I was your age cause I wouldn't have had your Mama", lol. This is just who my Grandma was. She loved everybody and never judged. She sure didn't pass this on to her daughters, sadly.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Grandma
Thanks to Julie Hill Marshall, I have decided that I wanted a place that I could share my thoughts and concerns and see if it helps to just vent. Over the last few years, my life has taken many direct hits of personal loss and pain, that I've not always felt I could share openly. I guess it all started with the loss of my Grandma almost 5 years ago. During her last 2 weeks of life, my family (or lack thereof) really disappointed and hurt me. It was as if it was a high school sleep over when one or more decided to spend the night in the hospital with her. She didn't like being alone, at all.
When it was my turn, I pissed them all off when I didn't want them staying with me. I'm sorry but I wanted Grandma all to myself because I knew her days were numbered. The nights I spent with her were priceless. We laughed, talked, and just LOVED. The night or early morning she died, the whole family was there BUT the only ones awake were me, my Papa, my husband, my brother, her son in laws and grandson in laws. Papa was holding her left hand and I was holding her right. Several times, I tried to awaken the family as I saw her nail beds become dark and the bottoms of her feet turn, but I guess sleep was more precious to them.
Around 3:00 am, my husband (who barely left my side) asked if I wanted to walk outside with him and I just couldn't. He couldn't have gotten to the elevator door and she took her last breath. That was the last gift she gave me. My Papa, in a trembling voice, said "Well Glory, she's gone ain't she baby?" With those words, Grandma's hands retracted from mine and Papa's and she was at peace. As the sleeping beauties began to arose, the waterworks and loud crying began. This infuriated me, so I grabbed my cigarettes and with a smile on my face, made my way down to my husband. My heart was broke but at the same time, I was at peace that Grandma wasn't suffering anymore. As I watched the family react, my madness grew. I could not believe how most of them were acting. They were sitting in the room with her body, laughing and making jokes. I had to get out of there, so my husband took me home.
I took a nerve pill and went to bed. Since having been up for 3 days non-stop, I slept good and hard. Apparently while I was sleeping, the family called wanting to go shopping for funeral clothes and wanted me to go with them. (Probably so my husband and I could pay). Well my husband told them he wasn't going to wake me, which pissed them off. Later on that afternoon, I got up knowing I needed to be with Papa and the rest of the family. Once we got to their house, I lost it. In that little house were so many memories that all came flooding back at once. Grandma was my best buddy. I could talk to her about ANYTHING and she loved me just the same. She was the only one who ever did/has.
We started discussing flowers for her and I recommended that we have a special bouquet from the Great-Grandchildren. All agreed and asked if I would take care of that, and I did. Needless to say I was never compensated. This didn't matter at the time, I just wanted things to be nice for Grandma. Because a lot of the family still needed to "Shop", her funeral was postponed for 3 days. On the day of her funeral, it was cold and rainy. Again, I was furious. Grandma HATED to be cold yet we buried her on a miserable, cold, rainy day. The day before was beautiful and had we not had to wait for yet another shopping trip, would have been perfect weather. This was the beginning to the end of my family relationships, in which I will touch on in later posts.
When it was my turn, I pissed them all off when I didn't want them staying with me. I'm sorry but I wanted Grandma all to myself because I knew her days were numbered. The nights I spent with her were priceless. We laughed, talked, and just LOVED. The night or early morning she died, the whole family was there BUT the only ones awake were me, my Papa, my husband, my brother, her son in laws and grandson in laws. Papa was holding her left hand and I was holding her right. Several times, I tried to awaken the family as I saw her nail beds become dark and the bottoms of her feet turn, but I guess sleep was more precious to them.
Around 3:00 am, my husband (who barely left my side) asked if I wanted to walk outside with him and I just couldn't. He couldn't have gotten to the elevator door and she took her last breath. That was the last gift she gave me. My Papa, in a trembling voice, said "Well Glory, she's gone ain't she baby?" With those words, Grandma's hands retracted from mine and Papa's and she was at peace. As the sleeping beauties began to arose, the waterworks and loud crying began. This infuriated me, so I grabbed my cigarettes and with a smile on my face, made my way down to my husband. My heart was broke but at the same time, I was at peace that Grandma wasn't suffering anymore. As I watched the family react, my madness grew. I could not believe how most of them were acting. They were sitting in the room with her body, laughing and making jokes. I had to get out of there, so my husband took me home.
I took a nerve pill and went to bed. Since having been up for 3 days non-stop, I slept good and hard. Apparently while I was sleeping, the family called wanting to go shopping for funeral clothes and wanted me to go with them. (Probably so my husband and I could pay). Well my husband told them he wasn't going to wake me, which pissed them off. Later on that afternoon, I got up knowing I needed to be with Papa and the rest of the family. Once we got to their house, I lost it. In that little house were so many memories that all came flooding back at once. Grandma was my best buddy. I could talk to her about ANYTHING and she loved me just the same. She was the only one who ever did/has.
We started discussing flowers for her and I recommended that we have a special bouquet from the Great-Grandchildren. All agreed and asked if I would take care of that, and I did. Needless to say I was never compensated. This didn't matter at the time, I just wanted things to be nice for Grandma. Because a lot of the family still needed to "Shop", her funeral was postponed for 3 days. On the day of her funeral, it was cold and rainy. Again, I was furious. Grandma HATED to be cold yet we buried her on a miserable, cold, rainy day. The day before was beautiful and had we not had to wait for yet another shopping trip, would have been perfect weather. This was the beginning to the end of my family relationships, in which I will touch on in later posts.
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